Having the privilege of being uncertain is a decision I've sadly had to make.

Many others have had their peak time when others have noticed them. Me, on the other hand, I’ve always just been met with a look and a turn. I can admit that I've gotten compliments as a few of my peers tell me “you look pretty,” however, that doesn’t change my mindset. It makes me feel washed down or boosts my confidence by three points on a scale. I’m grateful for the comments, of course. Anyone who compliments any aspect of your body, appearance, or personality should be well-respected. It just makes me feel obligated to look and act the same way I was complimented at that very moment.

Insecurity, they call it a curse and a weakness.

The term, insecure, according to Cambridge Dictionary, is the feeling of having little to no confidence in oneself. One might show signs of insecurity by having low self-respect for themselves because “they can’t fulfill it”. You might be wondering, how does this term relate to the current topic? Well, if you couldn’t guess already, you might want to reread the title.

Being in this modern age has taught me many things about society: 1 We will never be satisfied. It is like an audition and trying to find the perfect fit for a role.
“Contestant 34, your eyes are too wide and your hips are small.”
“Contestant 234, you have the voice and hair, but you're not the one we’re looking for.”
“Contestant 7869, hm, meh.”
“Contestant 8902, not good enough.”
“Contestant 8903, move along.”
“Contestant 8346, did you even read the script?”
a never-ending cycle until they find the right suit, the perfect suit. In society, we try our hardest to fit a standard of elements that can’t be fit into, no matter how hard we try to change the width and size of the text box.

According to Melanie Greenberg, the three most common types of insecurity are: rejection, low confidence, and perfectionism. When you are my age, you have a mixture of both. Rejection from others, low confidence from appearance, and perfectionism due to envy.

Rejection is a common misconception that people interpret the wrong way. When thinking of the word rejection, many automatically think of someone not liking you. This elementary school way of thinking. Rejection can come from your workplace or your family. Rejection means not being accepted or being refused in some kind of way. We, as people, should start looking at rejection as a redirect from things that were never meant to happen. Didn’t get the job you have been looking for? There is one right around the corner offering better pay and treatment. The boy you liked rejected you because he didn’t find your qualities attractive? He was uneducated and smelly anyways.

Rejection doesn’t have to be a bad thing, but as humans, we make it into one. Rejection connects with insecurity because it damages our view of things. Makes us feel unworthy.

Having low confidence is one of the more associated terms connected with insecurity. Not feeling confident in yourself can have long-lasting effects on your attitudes towards yourself and others. Being unsure about wanting to join pictures with others because of the feeling of not being on their pedestal could make others start excluding you. You can increase your self-confidence as much as you can, but deep down inside, there is a small door with a lock that holds your doubt. Confidence is your eyes, something that you need to go through life, but doubt is your skin, it stays on you forever.

What is perfect? Why is it perfect? How is it perfect? In my opinion, perfection is unexplainable. This might sound ironic, but let me explain. According to Vocabulray.com, Perfection means “a flawless state where everything is exactly right. It can also be the action of making something perfect.” How does perfection make a person, and does the action make them flawless? Perfection allows someone to not be able to make mistakes, to eventually become the perfect person.

Right?

Nobody can be perfect. We as humans allow our brains to believe that someone could possibly be perfect. We allow jealousy and envy to take control over us when nobody is flawless. We think too much about people who don’t know us.

You and I have been cursed with insecurity, whether you like it or not. Society has created expectations and placed thoughts inside others' minds to make them feel like they will never be enough. We are uncertain of ourselves. We don’t know what to do or how to feel. Without social platforms and outside points of view, we would be lost since we feel the need to have others have opinions on us. I am a victim of uncertainty. I am uncertain when I try on pants, deciding if they fit or are just too tight on my body. I am uncertain when I speak because one slip up and I end up disrespecting someone's values. I am uncertain in my knowledge because even though I am smart enough to get into college, which one would accept me? My insecurities add to my uncertainty and ability to make proper thoughts. “Am I this, or “Am I that” is a common track that replays in my mind currently. It’s like a record of your favorite song that, if you play it over and over, will eventually get

It's suffocating.
It’s making me fit into something I will never be. I’m not someone who can hold rejection, my self-confidence will never exceed chart levels, and being perfect is something never to be achieved. I can’t speak, nor could I even be the talk of the town. I wouldn’t be the person who would get the role because I wouldn’t even get an audition. I’m drowning. Deep, deep, deep in my thoughts, I write about feelings that will never matter in the future, mine and yours. I wasn’t given the privilege. I was born this way. I can change anything I want about myself like an online catalog, but I am the girl I’ve always been.

Uncertain of my weakness that can bruise me.
Uncertain that my redirections will lead to a better place.
Uncertain with myself and anyone who indulges me.

Many things I don’t talk about to others go straight to the wall
One conversation I recall having with the wall was about my purpose
It went something like this
“Hey, wall.”
“...”
“Why do I feel like I don’t have a purpose?”
“Like why do I feel like I shouldn’t have been placed on this earth?”
“...”
“Sorry about that, I shouldn’t have started like that.”
“...”
“I allow my thoughts to consume my brain, and it flows down to my heart. It gives me a headache and a heartache all at once. It makes me question who I am and where I belong.”
“...”
“The thoughts eat me alive at night so bad, sometimes I stop breathing. I stop wanting and trying to move my body.”
“...”
“I feel spineless, emotionless, but at the same time, I feel everything. It's like I’m an AI bot figuring out emotions.”
“...”
“Am I talking too much?”
“...”
“If I am, please let me know.”
“...”
“I just feel like I have nobody to share my feelings with other than you. Nobody truly understands my feelings because they aren’t me. No matter how hard they try to relate, they don’t know my feelings. It feels way too complex for them to know me.”
“...”
“Am I going in circles?”
“...”
“Maybe I don't deserve a purpose on this earth like many others do. I feel like my significance won’t change anything. The Earth will forever be fucked up like it has always been. Nothing will change. Everybody will stay the same.”
“...’
“It’s okay if you don’t respond; nobody ever does.”
“...”